Searching for the Obvious

The end is truly the beginning. Searching for something that always seems to elude you can be disheartening. When searching for something, something very meaningful, we often search high and low. People always tell me that we know what we want, and that our desires lie within us. Well, if they dwell inside us why the hell are they so hard to find? Why do I waste time, energy, and money searching for something I already possess?

I know that I want to be happy, in anything I do. I just have no idea what I want to do. Well, that was before I read a tiny four page introduction into the book that forever changed my life. Well the introduction changed my life, I haven't read the entire book yet. Yes, I had an epiphany at 3:00 in the morning while reading the introduction of -->

Everything clicked, it was amazing. As I was reading the words on the page I could feel everything fall into place. Events and dreams that I had lived through previously all seemed to have new meaning. It took me about twenty minutes to read the whole thing because the tears seemed endless. In fact, I started writing every thought in my journal but even that task became difficult. It's hard to write when your body is shaking with excitement and pouring tears of joy and relief. Every word he wrote seemed to be directed toward me. Never before have I connected with words on a page in this way. He truly inspired me, he breathed life into the dreams I let die. I have always known what makes me happy, I have always known my passion.

The sad thing is, I let shame push my joy aside. Opinions and expectations from other people ruled my life's direction. So much so, that I lost my way. I am what I like to call a social loner. I love people, and interacting with them in any way. But I also love my own company equally as much. I thrive on making people feel good. And though I don't compromise my beliefs to satisfy them, something in me always felt a sting of guilt. I actually felt guilty for helping people. I felt guilty because other people didn't seem to have the talent that came so natural to me. I know when something is wrong with a person, even if I don't know them. And I'm not afraid to comfort, uplift, or offer advice to a stranger. This talent scared me, it made me different from so many people who are so quick to say "not my problem." I know it's not my problem, but I find triumph in lifting the spirits of others.

Coelho said this, "if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understand why you are here." I have fought a dream that was always mine, a God given talent of understanding and a universal compassion for mankind. Denying this blessing has caused me and my loved ones so much suffering. But I don't regret anything that I had to endure to reach this new found appreciation for myself. Struggles may or may not be necessary, but they do make the triumphs that much sweeter.

Of course now, my new journey has just begun. I'm sure this path has twists and turns but at least now I know what's waiting at the end of that tunnel. Never underestimate the worth of something that seemingly comes so natural. Sometimes, all it takes is a late night read to discover what you've already known all along. Don't ignore your dreams, they're your mind's way of talking to you while you sleep.

Stay inspired and blessed, as always let the light shine in ~Altinay

Oh, and reading is fundamental.